Doctor Who: Attack of the Cheetahs


(The Doctor and Ace drink tea.)

Ace: Ughh, the tea’s cold.

Doctor: Sorry, it’s not MY fault you wanted to go home.

Ace: I didn’t want to go home! You just misunderstood me! I’m never going to drink this piece of rubbish.

Doctor: OK, I’ll make some more.

(The Doctor prepares to make a cup of tea, as Ace chats.)

Ace: Professor, why don't we ever do something fun?

Doctor: Fun?

Ace: Yeah, y'know, something like going to the cinema.

Doctor: Which movie? Rambo: First Blood? Oliver? Mary Poppins? Star Wars? The Empire Strikes Back? Return of the Jedi? The Phantom Menace?

Ace: Umm… What's The Phantom Menace?

Doctor: Oops… Umm… Wait until 1999 to find out. How's about a Charlie Chaplin film?

Ace: But which one?

Doctor: Perhaps I could ask him myself what his latest movie is.

Ace: That would be wicked! I could get his autograph!

Doctor: No, not his autograph. Anyway, we need popcorn first.

SCENE TWO: Popcarna

(The Doctor and Ace walk up to the reception of the Popcorn Factory whilst chatting)

Ace: There's actually a popcorn planet?

Doctor: Oh yes. That’s because so many people were going to the cinema planet, Theatreic. Everybody likes popcorn, so they made a popcorn planet.

Ace: But what flavours do they do?

Doctor: Everything. Toffee, Sweet, Venusian Slime

Ace: Venusian Slime?

Doctor: Yep. It's what they make so people don't pick their nose. It contains snot, y'know.

Ace: Rank.

Doctor: Yep.

(They arrive at the reception and enter.)

Receptionist: Welcome. Would you like our free guided tour? You get to see how our popcorn is made, and our hard-working workers.

Doctor: Unfortunately not, we're just looking for some toffee popcorn.

Receptionist: Ok.

(She opens a Pick 'n' Mix plastic door and scoops up Venusian Slime Flavour popcorn in a paper bag instead of Toffee Popcorn.)

Receptionist: That'll be 3 Popcarna Credits, please.

(The Doctor pays and Ace and the Doctor walks back to the TARDIS. Ace attempts to eat popcorn, but the Doctor stops her.)

Doctor: Eat it later!


(The Doctor and Ace exit the TARDIS.)

Ace: Why couldn’t you just use a book about him to know what his latest movie is?

Doctor: Well, most of my books are about H.G Wells or Agatha Christie.

Ace: You could buy a copy. Or, you could use a video.

Doctor: Well, I don't have time to go to a bookshop. And my Prime Computers don't accept VHS.

(The Doctor spots Charlie Chaplin.)

Ah, Charlie Chaplin!

Charlie: How did you get in here? Do I know you?

Doctor: Yes, I’ve seen all your movies.

Charlie: A colourless, silent version of me doesn’t count. What was that you want to talk to me about?

Doctor: What’s your latest movie?

Charlie: The…

Doctor: Ah yes, that’s a great one.

Charlie: But you didn’t know what I was going to say!

Doctor: I know everything.

(They begin to walk back to the TARDIS, but whiskers appear on Charlie’s face. He growls and they turn around.)

Ace! You idiot! You passed on the Cheetah Virus! We've got to get back to the TARDIS! Run!

Charlie Chaplin (Screaming): Preeeeeeey!

(Opening Titles)


(Charlie Chaplin runs out of the studio to a tram and enters.)

Ticket man: Are you Charlie Chaplin?

Charlie Chaplin: Yes.

Ticket man: Wow. It’s 3 pence a ticket, by the way.

(He attacks the ticket man, and the shocked conductor drives it to a cinema, afraid Charlie Chaplin will attack him.)


(Doctor and Ace exit the TARDIS carrying a box of popcorn. Ace takes a handful and eats quickly.)

Doctor: Ace, put that popcorn away!

(Ace feels nauseous and throws up.)

Ace: You sure this is Toffee Popcorn, Professor? It tastes more like snot.

(The Doctor looks at the label on the paper bag. It reads 'Popcarna's Old Style Venusian Slime Flavour Popcorn. Making Popcorn since 2582'.)

Doctor: She must've given us Venusian Slime Flavour Popcorn by mistake.

Ace (Sarcastically): Great. I’m never going to eat this piece of rubbish.

(Ace attempts to throw it on the floor, but the Doctor snatches it from her.)

Doctor: No! I want some!

(The Doctor consumes it quickly. Ace sighs.)

Doctor: Mmmm…


(The Doctor and Ace walk down a corridor and reach the ticket office. The Doctor gives the ticket man a bag of coins.)

Doctor: Keep the change.

(She opens the bag and takes out a £1 note.)

Ticket man (Shouting): Oh my lord! You sure you can afford this on a businessman's salary?

Doctor: Um, I'm not a businessman. But yes, I can afford this.

Ticket man: I'm terribly sorry for the assumption. Just my highest tip before was sixpence. Here are your tickets. One for you sir, and one for madam.

(The Doctor and Ace get tickets from ticket man. The Doctor and Ace enter the room where the movie is being shown. Charlie Chaplin runs through the Ticket Office.)

Ticket Man: Sir, you need to pay!

(Charlie Chaplin slaughters him.)

Ticket Man: Ow! My chest! Goddammit!


(They sit down and watch the movie.)

Ace: Hey, where's the sound?

Doctor: Ace, this is a silent movie. If you want sound, wait 10 years until Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Or is it Dwarfs? That pantomime at the Norwich Theatre Royal confused me.

Ace: Where's Norwich?

Doctor: It's in Norfolk. It used to be thriving with money. It's like England's second capital. Well, it's more like England's third capital, because of York.

(A piano plays whilst the movie is shown. The Doctor offers a woman some popcorn.)

Doctor: Want some popcorn?

Woman: That doesn’t look like corn.

Doctor: No, it’s popcorn. Would you like some?

Woman: Umm… Okay.

(She eats it and feels nauseous.)

Woman: I don’t feel so good.

(She throws up and faints.)

Ace: Yuck.

(Ace glances at the cinema screen. Ace laughs at a scene being shown.)

Ace: Aw, that is hilarious! Its as if Charlie Chaplin was here right now.

(Charlie Chaplin enters, now with a full Cheetah’s head and torso. He growls and attacks a person. The woman wakes up and he approaches her.)

Woman: What? Where am I?

(She spots Charlie Chaplin, who approaches her.)

Woman: Nice kitty! Nice Kitty!

(He attacks the woman and she disappears with a white flash.)

Woman: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Doctor: Charlie Chaplin, you've just made a terrible mistake!

(Charlie Chaplin approaches the Doctor)

Doctor: No! Ace, my hat! Throw it!

(Ace picks up the Doctor’s hat and throws it at Charlie Chaplin, but he remains conscience.)

Doctor: Oh no! The steel rim didn’t work!

(Charlie Chaplin approaches the Doctor and the Doctor disappears with a white flash.)

Ace: The Cheetah Planet! You shouldn’t have done that!

(Charlie Chaplin approaches her, but Ace fetches a time ring out of her pocket.)

Ace: Oh, by the way, I’ve got a time ring. Goodbye!

(Ace disappears.)


(Holding onto the Time Ring, Ace floats through space.)


(The Doctor is laying on the ground.)

Doctor: Oww… My head.

(He sits up and sees the corpse of the woman.)

Doctor: Ah! She’s dead!

(Some Cheetah People approach him.)

Cheetah Person: She was a nice feast. I’m sure you’ll be just as nice.

Doctor: I’ll never let that happen.

Cheetah Person: How?

Doctor: By this.

(The Doctor throws a ball at them and they play with it. He runs into the woods and he feels his pockets.)

Doctor: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s my Time Ring gone?

(Ace suddenly appears holding the Time Ring.)

Doctor: That’s where my Time Ring went.

Ace: Hi Professor!

Doctor: Ace! How unexpected. I was wondering where my Time Ring went. How did you get it, anyway?

Ace: Last time we were on the Cheetah Planet, I saw your Time Ring laying on the sand. I thought it might come in handy if I lost you many galaxies away. And it has come in handy.

Doctor: Now come on Ace, we’ve got to get back to Charlie Chaplin.

Ace: But what about Popcorn girl?

Doctor: Ah yes, her. I’m afraid she was killed.

Ace: What?

Doctor: Yes, there are still Cheetah People on this world.

Ace: But didn’t you destroy it, last time?

Doctor: This is BEFORE last time. That’s the confusing thing about time travel. Instead of ‘Before and After’, it’s ‘After and Before’.

(The Cheetah People return and attempt to attack the Doctor.)

Cheetah Person: Don’t throw those playthings at us again. It only temporarily stops us from attacking you. This time, I want prey.

Doctor: And you won’t get it.

Cheetah Person: I don’t think so. This time, it’s a duel.

Doctor: No!

Ace: I can handle it Professor!

Doctor: Ace, no. It’s too dangerous for you. And for me. Activate the Time Ring, now. Ace, now.

Ace: But…

Doctor: Hit the button Ace! Hit the button!

(The Doctor and Ace disappear.)


(The Doctor and Ace float through space, holding the Time Ring.)


(The Doctor and Ace appear outside the cinema.)

Doctor: There, back right by the cinema.

Ace: But wouldn't we need to pay again?

Doctor: Of course not, I did give him a tip of around 94 pence.

(A Cheetah Person on a Horse appears with a white flash.)

Cheetah Person: Ah, there you are.

(People scream at the Cheetah Person on the horse. A child is in its way.)

Child: Look Mummy, It's a Cheetah riding on a Horse!

(His Mother takes him out of the Cheetah's path. The Doctor and Ace run across a tramline nearly being hit by a tram. The Cheetah on Horse runs across the tramline.)

Cheetah Person: You'll never escape!

(The Cheetah Person on Horse runs across the tracks. A tram manages to stop in time for it not to be killed. It slaughters the shocked passengers who get out of the vehicle. The Doctor realises the Cheetah Person is catching up with him quickly, so he throws the balls at him.)

Doctor: These should distract him.

(The Cheetah Person gets distracted and fails to spot an oncoming tram, and gets hit.)

Doctor: Ooops, I didn't want that to happen. Oh well, back to the Cinema.


(The Doctor spots the dead Ticket Man.)

Doctor: Oh no, he's been killed!

Ace: Cheetah People?

Doctor: Yes. Careful not to trip, Ace.

(Ace trips on the Ticket Man's carcass.)

Ace: Ow! Gordon Bennet!

Doctor: Is your leg okay?

Ace: I think so. Ow!

Doctor: It's alright, I'll help.

(The Doctor rubs his hands on her ankle.)

Ace: Thanks Professor!

(They enter the Cinema Screen.)


(Charlie Chaplin spots them and attempts to attack them.)

Charlie Chaplin: Ah, you’re back. I can’t wait to see you die!

Doctor: No! Remember who you are! Remember your silent films! Remember Buster Keaton! Remember your film studio! Remember your fans! Remember your friends! Remember your family!

(Charlie Chaplin changes back to normal.)

Charlie Chaplin: What? Where am I? Who are you?

Doctor: Well, you're, umm… at the premiere of your latest movie.

Charlie Chaplin: And who are you exactly?

Doctor: Well, I'm the Doctor and this is my companion Ace.

Ace: Hello.

Charlie Chaplin: Pleasure to meet you.

(From the side of the room, a bleeding person shouts.)

Person: You idiot! You attacked me!

Charlie Chaplin: What? What are you talking about? I would never attack a living soul!

Person: Then why did you attack me?

Charlie Chaplin: I didn't. Although, I seem to have forgotten a small amount of my memory. What did you clearly see when I supposedly attacked this person?

Doctor: The explanation is that you had a fit. You went crazy and unfortunately you attacked this poor citizen.

Person: But you turned furry like a cheetah! You bit huge chunks out of me! How could a fit do that?

Doctor: The imagination can run wild sometimes.

Person: And a film star ran wild right in front of me. I swear!

Doctor: Imagination. Now we need to get to a nearby telephone and get an ambulance immediately for this person!

Charlie Chaplin: Right away sir!


(Charlie Chaplin is taken inside the ambulance and it drives away.)


(The person is laying in the bed. The Doctor is beside it.)

Doctor: You OK?

Person: Yes, but I swear he turned furry like a cheetah!

Doctor: You must’ve dreamt it when you blacked out.

Person: But I’m sure he did before I blacked out.

Doctor: I think he had a tan.

Person: Unlikely.

Doctor: As you say so.

(The Doctor walks away and goes to the waiting room.)


(The Doctor walks to Ace.)

Ace: Time to leave?

Doctor: Yes. Let’s go back to the TARDIS.

(Ace looks up at him.)

Doctor: Let’s go home Ace.

(Ace smiled and they walk away.)

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