This article was written by Morshu. Please do not make any changes to this fiction without receiving the author's consent.
Farters in Crime is a spoof of Partners in Crime as the Title says it has lots of Fart Gags.
|Story number:||4.1 pun|
|Enemy:||Miss Foster AKA Matron Coe Fil Ia Passameer Day Slitheen, Flatuanians|
|Previous Story:||Voyage of the Danged|
|Following Story:||The Waters of Pompeii|
Donna UnNoble is determined to find the Latest Air Freshener – even if it means Smelling the rotten Farts of the Gassy Miss Windy. But when the alien threat escalates out of control, can Donna find her Odour Eater before the March of the Flatuanians begins at last?
Donna UnNoble is Literally 'Farting Around' down a street on the way to Flatuania Industries, as she is investigating them on their weight-loss drug. The Doctor is doing the same but they fail to see each other as they do different things at the same time. They are in a conference room posing as Health and Safety when a reporter starts asking Miss Foster what this drug does; she fails to tell her and the meeting ends. The Doctor and Donna ask different employees for customer addresses.
Donna goes to a woman named Stacey Campbell house while the Doctor goes and interviews a man called Roger Davey about his use of the drug. Roger tells the Doctor that his burglar alarm keeps going off at 1:10 AM. While Donna is talking to Stacey, Stacey tells Donna that she has lost a lot of weight and can't wait to dump her boyfriend only to find out that she herself has been dumped after her recent Farting problem, Stacey goes to the bathroom as she keeps farting loudly and she thinks she might have diarrhoea and it is at this point where Donna begins to examine the capsule-like pendant resulting in a singular Cloud of Gas to be let rip out of Stacey's Bum. After Donna hears the Loud Farting and Quite bad smell, begins to investigate what is happening up stairs. Miss Foster is alerted that there has been an "unscheduled parthenogenesis" and send out a squad team to retrieve the new Flatuanian child. The Doctor is also alerted of the 'birth' via a Y-shaped hand-held device. Miss Foster then incurs "full parthenogenesis" upon Stacey as the Flatuanian child had been witnessed by her, resulting in her entire body being converted in to numerous Flatuanians, killing her instantly in one loud massive Fart. Donna, who is now up stairs due to the unnerving rumbles of flatulence emitted by Stacey in her last moments, breaks into her bathroom and as a Flatuanian wafts it's smell to her it jumps out the window. Miss Foster senses it via her computer and she scans the CCTV with her henchmen only to find a reporter from earlier called Penny Farter. The Doctor senses what has happened to Stacey and runs up to her house only to find nothing there. He then runs off to the TARDIS. Donna cancels Stacey's cab and goes home only to find her mother with her LARGE BUM Expeling the Loudest,Smelliest Fart Ever right in her face so she goes off to see her grandfather who is gazing at the stars at the allotments. He says to Donna to find the right man as she talks to him about missing the trip with the Doctor. The Doctor is in the TARDIS and talks to himself about the Adipose (He is thinking he has got Martha with him only he realises that he does not).
The next day Donna takes the car to Adipose industries (she has given up investigating, she has only gone in there because she needs a Poo) only to be criticized by her mother because she needs the car for going out. Donna hides in the toilets and the Doctor hides to investigate. All day Miss Foster is looking for Penny Farter who is Parping in the same toilets too. Donna is suddenly rung up on her mobile phone by her mum.
Sylvia:Why are you whispering. Donna: I'm in church. Sylvia: what would you be doing in Church. Donna: PRAYING!. Sylvia: More like Farting do you want God to forgive the rather UnHeavenly sounds and smells from your Arse.
Donna the hears someone else fart, it turns out its Mrs Foster who is actually a Slitheen, Donna grabs her legs up and trys to hold in her farts resulting in silent and deadly ones However she hears another loud fart, this time Penny dealt it, Miss Foster then finds Penny and is about to unzip and kill her when she decides that it would be better to torture her by sitting on her face and farting. Donna follows only to find that the Doctor is also watching Miss Foster. He spots Donna watching through the door and she starts speaking in Tersuron. However since that language is acutally farts, she is both Smelt and Heard by Miss Foster and everybody in her office. Miss Foster asks her two henchmen to get them and they chase after Donna, but she runs up to the roof. Handily for the Doctor he was on a pulley for the window cleaner; he pulls himself up to rescue Donna. As they get in, he locks the roping device with the sonic screwdriver so that he can get down. But to his surprise Miss Foster has a sonic pen with which she sends them down flying as she cuts the rope with it. Donna almost falls but the Doctor climbs up a rope and squeezes into a window. He then goes down a floor to Miss Foster's office, only to find that Penny's face now looks like a rotten Brussel Sprout after being farted on. He opens her window with his screw driver and saves Donna.
Miss Foster then uses a device (possibly another sonic pen) which opens a sliding door to reveal an Inducer, which along with her capsule helps her to begin the birthing process of one million Flatuanians from her customers' bums. Meanwhile the Doctor breaks into a secondary Inducer, hidden inside a cupboard, with his Sonic screwdriver. There he manages to temporarily disable the process by unscrewing his capsule and attaching it to a wire connected to the Inducer. While he is doing this Donna tells the Doctor that he looks older. She also asks if he's still on his own; he replies that he had this friend called Martha but she kept farting all the time and had to leave, he also says that Rose is still missing. Miss Foster notices he has tried to hack into the system and increases the power to double strength on her Inducer. The Doctor realises he can't save them and is really upset, that is until Donna pulls out her capsule from her jacket pocket and the people's lives are saved. Miss Foster's plans have failed but she says that one million Flatuanians will have to do and calls upon the Nursery Ship to take them home. The Doctor listens to an incoming signal from the Flatuanians family that identifies Miss Foster as a Slitheen from Raxacoricofallapatorius. The Doctor runs onto the rooftop to try and save her and Donna suggests using her perfume to kill the Flatuanians, but the Doctor replies that they're just children and anyway Donna's Perfume smells just like her bum (like a rotten egg). Donna says that Martha must have done him good and he says, with arrogance, that she fancied him. Then Miss Foster Unzips the skin off her arm and strangles Donna, she demands that the Doctor surrenders the Tardis to her, the Doctor agrees but only if she chokes Donna some more because he thinks the sounds Donna makes is funny, she chokes her for 5 minutes until Donna grabs a bottle of vinegar and throws it on Miss Foster, she explodes covering Donna with Goo; the Flatuanians leave the planet and zoom off into space.The Doctor bins the sonic pen and Donna drags him off to the TARDIS. Once there she unpacks her belongings from her car (which is just a few feet from the TARDIS). The Doctor warns that it is a hard life but accepts her saying that he just wants a mate; she takes this literally and says that he is just an alien streak of nothing. Donna then takes her car keys and puts them in a bin on Brook street, 30 yards from the corner. She then tells a girl with blonde hair to tell her mother: 'that bin there'; it turns out the girl is Rose Tyler and she has just missed the Doctor hoping to catch him at the event. However Donna then farts and Rose screams and runs off down the street and disappears. Donna tells the Doctor to materialise two and a half miles "that way" to say goodbye to her Grandad; he cheers her on when they appear just above the hill from which he stargazes.