Return to the Land of Fiction is a Doctor Who fan audio by Cat Flap Productions. It was completed on 13th July. It features the Eighth Doctor and his new companions Olivia, Thomas and Lucy. It is a sequel to The Mind Robber
Escaping from Taverham in 2159, the Doctor and his new companions Olivia, Thomas and Lucy get caught in a Time Corridoor created by the Daleks. The Doctor is forced to activate the emergency swith on the TARDIS, and get stuck in the Land of Fiction. The TARDIS explodes and Lucy get trapped somewhere in the universe. In the Land of Fiction, they become under attack by Black Shuck, but are rescued by iPhone videogame character Celio, a dragon, which a young boy named Daniel Hero is riding on. However, a supernatural beast approaches. The Doctor fights it, but Harry Potter defeats it by putting a spell on it. The Potter Puppet Pals arrive, they sing The Mysterious Ticking Noise, but are stopped by Dumbledore's wizrd swears. They continue, but the bomb, which is the source of the ticking noise explodes and kills them. Black Shuck suddenly reappears, but is defeated by comic book character Wolverine. An army of Stormtroopers take the Doctor and his companions hostage to the Master Room. There, they meet the adolescent Jason, who has fictional double Dr. Who arrest the Doctor and his companions. Dr. Who steals the instructions for the TARDIS, and the Doctor and his companions break out. Jason reveals he has been working with the Celestial Toymaker, and the Doctor plays a deadly game of Chess with him. The Doctor wins and the Celestial Toymaker is sent back to his Toyroom and Dr. Who his sent to Earth in a new form.
A Whill, from the novelisation of Star Wars, tells them some of the answers to their queries. The Doctor and his companions leave on the Argonauts boat and return to reality. Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor offers his companions refreshments, and Olivia asks for Sgt. Pepper, a future name for Dr. Pepper, and Thomas asks for Red Cow, a future name for Red Bull. In 1963, The Eighth Doctor enters a shop and asks for a can of Sgt. Pepper and Red Cow, but the shopkeeper says they don't sell them, but does suggest Dr. Pepper and Red Bull. The Doctor buys the drinks and enters the TARDIS. An eldery man enters the shop and asks for some arton crystals, but the shopkeeper says they don't sell them. He then buys a box of choclates in a heart shaped box and says they're for 'a relative'. He then exits and looks at an instruction sheet and says how to build the TARDIS.
Warning! This script contains spoilers for an upcoming episode and the Big Finish audio drama The Magic Mousetrap. If you do not want to be spoilt, wait until the episode's YouTube broadcast in April 2010 (I hope).
Doctor Who: Return to the Land of Fiction
SCENE ONE: TAVERHAM, 2159
(A Roboman is talking to the Dalek Supreme.)
Dalek Supreme: The TARDIS is dematerialising! Locate it!
Roboman: I obey!
(A bleeping sound is heard.)
Roboman: We have located the TARDIS! It is in London in England!
Dalek Supreme: Excellent. Activate the Time Corridor.
Roboman: I obey.
(The Roboman turns a switch)
SCENE TWO: VORTEX
(The TARDIS is shaking.)
SCENE THREE: TARDIS INTERIOR
(The TARDIS is shaking. Explosions are coming from the console. The Cloister Bell rings)
Olivia: What's happening?
Doctor: The TARDIS is caught in a time corridor!
(The Doctor is stroking the console.)
Doctor: Be good old girl. Be good.
(The console explodes)
Doctor: Oh no. The fluid links can't take the load. Olivia, check the meter.
(She checks the meter)
Olivia: Reading 987.3, point 4, 5, 6,
(Olivia looks shocked.)
Doctor: It's jumped to 991 point… It's going up in numerals!
(Smoke comes out of the console.)
Doctor: Oh no! If only I could unstick this stupid, idiotic control!
(The Doctor unsticks it.)
Doctor: At least that's stopped the fluid links from vaporising. We shouldn't suffocate from the air outside. Looks like I might need to take a short detour… But I can't use the Emergency Unit. This is an emergency, but I don't want to move the TARDIS out of the time/space dimension. Out of reality!
Thomas: It's better then getting vaporised from the time corridor!
Doctor: Oh, well, alright.
(The Doctor gets the TARDIS Emergency Unit out.)
Doctor: No, look, I can't possibly use this. I don't know what will happen! Wait, look.
(The Doctor sees the scanner showing the TARDIS being pulled to the Earth.)
Doctor: It's going to explode!
(The Doctor pushes the button. The TARDIS flashes white and shakes and then turns neutral. The Doctor looks at the meter.)
Doctor: That's funny, there's no reading at all. None of the meters are registering, not one. At least we're safe. Possibly. I'd better get working on the TARDIS controls right away.
(The Doctor walks to the Power Room.)
Thomas: What's happening?
Olivia: I don't know.
(Lucy looks at the scanner)
Lucy: Hey, look at the scanner!
Olivia: It's home! It's Taverham!
Thomas: Oh my god!
Olivia: Lucy and Thomas, you look outside. I'll check on the Doctor.
SCENE FOUR: Power Room
(The Doctor unscrews some things)
There, that should do it. I'll just have to remember not to step into that other dimension.
Olivia: Are you alright Doctor?
Doctor: Yes, I'm fine.
Olivia: Oh, ok. I've just sent Lucy and Thomas outside to see what's outside.
Doctor: You did what? Why?
Olivia: We're home! We're in Taverham!
Doctor: Olivia, always follow my orders. What's outside is a trap. A trap to lure us outside. This is not good. We've got to rescue them!
(The Doctor and Olivia run back to the console room.)
SCENE FIVE: TARDIS INTERIOR
(The scanner shows Gallifrey.)
Doctor: Wait, look at the scanner! I'm on Gallifrey.
Olivia: Doctor, it's a trap! A trap to lure us outside!
Doctor: Oh, right.
(A light on the console bleeps and flashes.)
Doctor: Oh no! The first warning! There isn't much more time! We've got to rescue them!
(They step outside and fade to nothingness)
SCENE SIX: NOWHERE
(The White Robots pursue Thomas and Lucy)
Thomas: Hey, look! It's a white robot!
(Beams come from its chest)
Thomas: A signal is coming from his chest! It's too powerful!
(He strains to talk)
(The Doctor and Olivia enter)
Thomas: Doctor, Olivia! It's you!
Doctor: Lucy, Thomas! You've got to get back to the TARDIS immediately!
Doctor: The TARDIS is going to dematerialise soon!
(They fade back into the TARDIS)
SCENE SEVEN: TARDIS
Thomas: Thank you Doctor. But, I keep on having this dream. About a black dog with red eyes! Floating through the moonlight! About to attack us!
Doctor: Don't worry, it's just a dream.
Thomas: But, I feel a strange sensation! A throbbing vibration!
Doctor: Something is overpowering us! It's happened before! I think the TARDIS is going to explode!
(The TARDIS explodes)
SCENE EIGHT: SPACE
(Olivia, Thomas and Lucy hold onto the console)
Lucy: I don't think I can hold onto the console much longer! I can't hold on!
(She removes her hands from the console and drifts into space)
(Cue Eighth Doctor Opening Theme)
SCENE NINE: FOREST
(Olivia wakes up, tired)
Olivia: Where am I? Where's Thomas and the Doctor?
Doctor (Calling): Olivia, where are you? Come out wherever you are! Olivia, come on! Olivi-
(He spots Olivia)
Doctor: Ah, there you are.
Olivia: Where's Thomas?
Doctor: I don't know. But, more to the point, where's Lucy?
Olivia: She couldn't hold onto the console! She drifted into space.
Doctor: Oh dear. We'll find her later when we're out of here.
Olivia: But where is here?
Doctor: The land of fiction. A world populated by fictional characters. I've been here before. I've met a Redcoat, Gulliver, a group of children, Clockwork Soldiers, a Unicorn, Medusa, the Karkus, Rapunzel, Dr. Who…
Doctor: He's a fictional doub…
Thomas (Calling): Hey, Doctor, Olivia. Where are you?
Doctor: Over here!
Thomas (Calling): Where?
Thomas: Oh, right. So, where are we?
Doctor: The land of fiction. A world populated by fictional characters.
Thomas: Right. So, how do we get out of here?
Doctor: I'm not sure.
(They hear a dog barking)
Thomas: What's that sound?
Doctor: Black Shuck. I think your nightmare is real.
(Black Shuck approaches, floating)
Olivia: It's floating! And it's got red eyes!
Doctor: Yes, have you never read the myth of Black Shuck?
Doctor: Oh, well, I'll tell you later. After I've destroyed this beast.
(Black Shuck floats through the air, opening his jaw, ready to kill)
Olivia: Ugh, those teeth are disgusting.
Doctor: Yes, they are. He's probably been eating too much food.
Thomas: Never mind that! How are we going to defeat him?
Doctor: I seriously have no idea. I'm not used to defeating mythical dogs. Except for Argos.
Doctor: Jason's dog.
Thomas: Who's Jason?
Doctor: Have you never heard of Jason and the Argonauts?
Doctor: Oh well. I really hope I think of a plan before those ghastly jaws consume us as grub!
(A dragon, Celio flies with a young boy on his back, squawking)
Boy: Wow Celio, that was the best day of my life!
Boy: Look Celio, those people need some help!
(Celio lands by the Doctor, Olivia and Thomas)
Olivia: Oh my god! It's Celio!
Doctor: Who is Celio?
Olivia: A video game character. I got up to level 10 before being destroyed by those Supernatural Beasts! I've got it on my iPhone!
(She presses a button on her iPhone)
Supernatural Beast (On Game): You must die!
Boy: Celio, there's a Supernatural Beast approaching!
Olivia: Nah, it's just my iPhone.
Boy: Wow, I'm on a MP3 Player!
Doctor: Can you help us escape?
Doctor: I’ll take that as a yes.
SCENE TEN: SKY
(Celio squawks as he flies through the sky, flapping his wings)
Thomas: Wow! He sure is going fast!
Doctor: Yes, he is.
Olivia: Hey, Doctor, have you noticed the forest?
Doctor: What about the forest?
Olivia: The tops of the trees read something.
Doctor: What do they say?
Olivia: "Slow but sure", "In for a penny, in for a pound", "Look before you leap"…
Doctor: Anything else?
Olivia: I think it says "Onigh", "Ome"…
Doctor: I think those trees need to be carved differently.
Boy: Hold tight everybody, Celio's going to land!
(Celio moves downwards, squawking)
(Celio lands, and squawks)
SCENE ELEVEN: FOREST
Doctor: Thank you Celio.
Boy: Oh no Celio! There's a Supernatural Beast approaching!
Supernatural Beast: You must die!
Boy: Celio, use your tail to whip the supernatural beast!
(Celio squawks, and whips the Supernatural Beast with his tail)
Boy: Well done Celio!
(The Supernatural Beast tickles Celio's underbelly)
Boy: Oh no! The Supernatural Beast is tickling your underbelly!
(Celio squawks, painfully)
Doctor: I know a way to defeat the beast.
Doctor: To remember that it doesn't exist. Repeat after me: The Supernatural Beast is a video game character. It doesn't exist.
Olivia: But it looks so real!
Doctor: It's just a fictional character! Created by the gods of Ragnarok for entertainment!
Olivia: But it's…
(Harry Potter swoops down on his broomstick)
Thomas: It's Harry Potter!
(The Doctor starts crying)
Olivia: What's wrong Doctor?
Doctor: It's just the ending to the Deathly Hallows was so sad! It made me cry at the end!
Doctor: Yes. And, Harry, put a spell on this Supernatural Beast to make it freeze.
Harry: Ok! Jiggery pokery!
(He waves his wand)
Thomas: You're amazing!
Harry: Thank you!
(Puppets of Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape and a naked Dumbledore approach)
Olivia: Hey, there's some puppets approaching!
Puppet Snape: Snape, Snape, sniverous Snape.
Puppet Dumbledore: Dumbledore!
Harry: Hey Dumbledore, put some clothes on!
Puppet Dumbledore: Sorry. I’m sorry that your mother is a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* ing *beep* *beep**beep* Laura Gibson *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* admidom veniom *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*troguna *beep * *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* hippopotamus *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* republican *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* ing Daniel Radcliffe *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* with a bucket of *beep* *beep *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* in a castle far away where no one can hear you *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* soup *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* with a bucket of *beep* *beep* *beep* Mickey Mouse *beep* *beep* and a stick of dynamite *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* magical *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* alacazam!
Puppet Snape: My office, now.
Puppet Dumbledore: Why?
Puppet Snape: Wizard swears.
Puppet Dumbledore: Oh, unicorn turds!
Puppet Snape: Excuse me?
Puppet Dumbledore: Sorry. Dragon bogeys!
Puppet Snape: I refuse to have this filth spewed in my presence, Mr. Dumbledore.
Puppet Dumbledore: I’m so sorry! It’s just that you’re such a blast ended skank!
Puppet Snape: What did you say?
Puppet Dumbledore: Hagrid’s buttcrack!
Puppet Snape: Please stop saying that dirty filth!
Puppet Dumbledore: Lepricorn taint!
Puppet Snape: What?
Puppet Dumbledore: Local fucking troje, Snape!
Puppet Snape: Please stop saying that!
Puppet Dumbledore: You flobby-wanded dementor buggerer.
Puppet Snape: I urge you not to say that!
Puppet Dumbledore: Dobby’s sock.
Puppet Snape: Please don’t swear Dumbledore!
Puppet Dumbledore: Alright.
Puppet Ron: Now, let’s continue the song!
Puppet Hermione: Hermione!
Puppet Ron: Ron Weasly!
Puppet Harry: Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter!
Puppet Harry: I'm not talking to you! I'm singing along to that mysterious ticking noise.
Harry: What mysterious ticking noise?
Puppet Ron: Hey, I've found the source of the mysterious ticking noise! It's this bomb!
(The bomb explodes, killing the puppets)
Doctor: Ow! That bomb burnt me!
Harry: Oh no! The Potter Puppet Pals are dead!
Doctor: Harry, they're not real!
Harry: I don't care! Oh, I love you so much Hermione!
Olivia: Hey, Doctor, I think I see something.
(Black Shuck approaches)
Doctor: Black Shuck!
(Black Shuck attacks them)
Doctor: Argh! My face!
Doctor: It's alright. We just have to remember it's pretend.
Thomas: But it looks so real!
Doctor: But it's not! It's not real! It might look like it's real, but it's not!
Thomas: But it's…
Olivia: It's Wolverine!
Doctor: Er, can you erm…
Wolverine: Kick this doggie's ass?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't phrase it like that, but, ok.
Olivia: Erm, don't you mean 'arse'?
Wolverine: Hey, I live in Canada.
(Wolverine fights Black Shuck, but he bites, and fractures his claw)
Wolverine: Ow! He bites! My claw!
Olivia: Fight him! Fight him!
Doctor: There’s no need to use violence! Just remember he's not real!
Wolverine: But he-
(Black Shuck possesses Wolverine with his red eyes)
Wolverine: He’s possessing me!
Doctor: I didn’t know he had that ability.
Wolverine: It’s time for you to die.
(He opens his claw and scratches Thomas)
Thomas: Ow! That hurt!
Doctor: Don’t worry. I’ll get some plasters as soon as I can.
Wolverine: You’re not going anywhere.
(Wolverine scratches Olivia)
Olivia: Ow! Shit! That hurt! You bastard!
Wolverine: It's time for you to die!
(Wolverine scratches the Doctor)
Doctor: Ow! Just remember who you are! Forget being possessed!
(Wolverine turns back to normal)
Wolverine: Hey, what happened?
Doctor: Erm, nothing. Just kill this dog!
(Black Shuck pushes Wolverine into some crates)
Wolverine: Ow! That bloody dog pushed me into these crates! It's crushing me!
Doctor: Don't worry, I'll get help.
Wolverine: I'm dying!
Olivia: He's dead!
Thomas: Let's hope we can defeat Black Shuck.
Doctor: Yes, me too.
(An army of Stormtroopers arrive)
Thomas: There's an army of Stormtroopers!
Stormtrooper: You're under arrest!
Doctor: For what?
Stormtrooper: Er, the Gods of Ragnarok are unhappy with you! Now move with me to the Detention Block!
Olivia: But where is this Detention Block?
Stormtrooper: Inside the Castle.
Doctor: Wait, the Castle. Isn't that where the Master is?
Olivia: The Master?
Doctor: The Master of the Land of Fiction.
Stormtrooper: Come with me! No more talking is allowed!
(They walk to the Detention Block)
SCENE TEN: DETENTION BLOCK
Stormtrooper: Get in!
Olivia: You can't do this!
Stormtrooper: Yes we can.
(They are pushed inside the cell)
Olivia: Got a plan Doctor?
Olivia: Crap. And they don't even allow you possessions in here! I can't play on Celio now. And I really want to play as Daniel, killing the knight by using his sword to cut up his organs, and have blood and excrement oozing all across the floor.
Doctor: Sounds disgusting. You sure it's a children's game?
Olivia: No, I got the ungaged edition. It's rated 18 for very strong violence.
Thomas: It’s still quite a gory game.
Olivia: Whatever. I can't even log onto the Celio the Dragon forum on my laptop at www.celioforum.com!
Doctor: Wait! I’ve got something to get us out of here!
(The Doctor gets his Sonic Screwdriver out of his pockets)
Doctor: Sonic Screwdriver.
Olivia: Hold on, how did they not find that when they searched you?
Doctor: I hid them twenty years and three miles away in my pockets. They’re bigger on the inside.
Doctor: All I have to do is press this button and it should…
(The Doctor presses the button but it doesn’t work)
Doctor: …unlock the door?
Thomas: Why didn’t it work?
Doctor: This cell must be dead locked sealed. The sonic can’t unlock it.
Doctor: Yep. Trapped in a castle in the land of fiction. I wish there was something to help us.
Olivia: Hold on, I’ve got the Limited Edition Celio the Dragon FX Sword. It’s so realistic, it can cut through metal! I got it from Collectors “R” Us.
Doctor: You’re brilliant!
Olivia: Thank you! Although, I’ll have to take it out of the package. It’s in mint condition.
Doctor: It’s better than being trapped here forever!
Olivia: You’re right. Here goes…
(She removes it from the package and cuts open the bars)
Olivia: Yes! I broke the bars!
Doctor: Now, lets escape.
(They run out of the Cell)
SCENE ELEVEN: MASTER ROOM
(A Stormtrooper is talking to Jason)
Stormtrooper: Sir, the prisoners have escaped.
Jason: Well, attack them then!
Stormtrooper: Yes sir.
(He talks to the other Stormtroopers)
Stormtrooper: Alright men, the prisoners have escaped from cell THX138! You know what to do.
Stormtroopers: Yes sir!
(They are attacked my Stormtroopers)
Olivia: Oh no, Stormtroopers!
Doctor: Olivia, use the sword!
Olivia: Oh, right.
(She gets the Sword out of her holster)
(She attacks the Stormtroopers)
(A Stormtrooper's guts fall onto the floor)
Stormtrooper: My guts! They're falling onto the floor! They're killing me!
(He dies in a pool of blood)
Olivia: What have I done?
Jason: Yes, what have you done?
Doctor: Jason! Why did you bring us here?
Jason: I'll answer that question after I've introduced you to an old friend. You may recognise him.
(The Celestial Toymaker enters)
Celestial Toymaker: Welcome, Doctor.
Doctor: The Toymaker! The Celestial Toymaker! What are you doing here?
Celestial Toymaker: Well, Jason promised me the death of you if I helped him, and, well, I couldn't resist.
Doctor: What are you planning to do to me?
Celestial Toymaker: How about one final game? Some Chess, perhaps? Of course, as I'm the toymaker, I'll use these little people as the pieces.
Chess Piece: Help me!
Doctor: And what will happen to me?
Celestial Toymaker: Not only will you be electrocuted, but, Dr. Who here, shall kill your friends.
Doctor: Alright then. Sounds fair.
Celestial Toymaker: Good. Now lets begin.
Thomas: Doctor! You can't do that!
Doctor: I have to. If I don't, we will be trapped here. And I need to ensure your protection.
Olivia: But you said you'd protect us!
Doctor: I said I would try.
Olivia: Fine. But, who's Dr. Who?
Doctor: A fictional double of me. Created by Jason.
Olivia: How could a teenager do that?
Doctor: Well, he's probably quite intelligent, seeing as he's the Master of the land of fiction.
Jason: Thank you. It'll be good seeing you die…
Dr. Who: Now, pass me the instructions to the TARDIS or I'll blast you to smitherines!
Doctor: Alright. I seem to have no choice.
(He gives him the instructions)
Doctor: There you go.
Dr. Who: Thank you.
Celestial Toymaker: Can we continue the game now?
Celestial Toymaker: Good. I'll be first of course, seeing as I'm so good. I'll move one of my pawns…
Doctor: And I'll move one of mine.
Celestial Toymaker: But look, I can now take your piece. I'll put you in the tower, my little friend.
Chess Piece: No! Please! I'll be a good servant of the king! Help me!
Celestial Toymaker: There is no help coming. And Doctor, I'll electrocute you at say, 10,000 volts?
Celestial Toymaker: Yes. I'll just push this button here and-
(The Doctor gets electrocuted and strains)
Olivia: You're killing him!
Celestial Toymaker: Nah, he's got another 5 lives left. Fantastic, evil lives which make you flabbergasted and run about saying alonsy all the time. But I'm going to ruin them. I'm going to destroy the Doctor!
Doctor: Ah! Not so fast! Look, I've got the king! And now, I can do checkmate!
Celestial Toymaker: No! That's not possible!
Doctor: Yes it is. Now I get total control over you. I'm going to send you back to your toyroom, where you can play with your little dollies, Celio the Dragon action figures, and hopscotch. And make a canvas of Switzerland.
Celestial Toymaker: No! Please! Help me!
Doctor: There is no help coming. Goodbye.
Celestial Toymaker: Argh!
(He is sent back to his toyroom)
Doctor: There, now he's gone, I'll deal with Dr. Who. I'll exile you to Earth and give you a new body, with no memory of any of our encounters.
Dr. Who: No! You're making me giddy! Ah!
Dr. Who (2): Who are you people? What am I doing here?
Doctor: Um, you're on a visit to your Granddaughter.
Dr. Who (2): Granddaughter? Oh, I almost forgot! I've got to visit poor little Susie!
(He vanishes to Earth)
Doctor: There. I've dealt with everything.
Jason: What about me?
Doctor: Oh, I'll get the Time Lords to disable the land. You'll be sorry you ever came here.
Thomas: What about the TARDIS.
Doctor: It'll be reconstructed in the vortex, and then we can leave. Trust me, I'm a Doctor.
(Cue Eighth Doctor Closing Credits)
- The eldery man is meant to be Dr. Who from the Dalek movies, but is left ambiguous.