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Ace: Do you want some tea Professor?

Doctor: Yes please.

(Ace gives him the tea)

Ace: There you go.

Doctor: Thank you.

(He drinks some tea and spits it out and chokes and coughs)

Ace: Are you alright Professor?

Doctor: Yes. It just tastes really sour.

Ace: I didn't really have the right ingredients.

Doctor: Never mind.

(He feels his cheek)

Ow! That really hurt. I need a plaster.

Ace: Sure Professor. I'm sorry for going crazy like a Cheetah, Professor.

Doctor: It's alright Ace, it wasn't your fault.

Ace: Well, I'm still sorry for scratching you. I’ll get you a plaster from the kitchen.

(She heads off to the kitchen and gives him the plaster)

Here's the plaster.

Doctor: Thank you. By the way, I've got a gift for you.

Ace: Really?

Doctor: Yes. It's a mobile phone.

(The Doctor hands it to her)

Ace: Don't you mean a car phone?

Doctor: Well, yes, but It's much better. See, it's got photos, videos, games, music, the internet, a calculator, a converter and much more.

Ace: Wicked! D'ya know Midge's number?

(Ace's phone rings)

Ace: Hello?

Midge: Oh, hi Ace.

Ace: Midge! How did you get my number?

Midge: Shreela told me.

Ace: Oh. How did she get it?

Midge: I dunno. Think she got it in Birmingham when you were there.

Ace: I was there?

Midge: Yeah. Anyway, I got these spare tickets for U2 and I was wondering if you wanted to go.

Ace: Yeah, that would be wicked. Can the Doctor come?

Midge: Sure, I got two spare.

Ace: Great! Professor, set a course for London, 1991.

Doctor: Ace no! This is very important!

Ace: What's important?

Doctor: My plaster's fallen off.

Ace: Oh dear. I'll get you a new one.

(Ace gets one and walks back)

Sorry Professor, we've run out.

Doctor: Oh well. I'll just have to leave it like this. I'll set the coordinates.

Ace: Woo! Yeah! Off to U2!


(The TARDIS lands)

Ace: Eek! That's a long queue.

(They hear 'Never Gonna Give You Up')

That doesn't sound like U2!

Doctor: Oh no! The TARDIS landed at the wrong concert!

(Cue titles)


Doctor: I need to reset the coordinates! Do you know them Ace?

Ace: Yeah, It's 900.730

Doctor: Good. I'll just put that onto the scanner and - off we go!


(The TARDIS lands in the O2 Arena in London 1991)

Doctor: Here we are.

Ace: Wicked! I'll see if I can get there autographs.

Doctor: Maybe. But look at the queue to get in! It's massive.

Ace: Don't worry, I'm sure it won't take TOO long.

(Many hours later…)

Oh, bloody hell! This is taking forever! Why's this taking so long?

(The Doctor coughs)

You alright Professor?

Doctor: I'm fine.

Ace: I'd better get you some water.

Security Guard: I'm sorry ma'm, you're not allowed water here.

Ace: What? Why? This man is coughing for Christ's' sakes!

Security Guard: I'm sorry, but you cannot drink to prevent spilling and injury.

Ace: What a crap idea.

Security Guard: That's our rules.

Ace: Sorry Professor.

Doctor: It's alright Ace.

Advertiser: Get your U2 signed photographs here!

Ace: Wicked!

(She goes up to the advertiser)

Uh, yeah, I'll take two photographs.

Advertiser: That's twenty quid, love.

Ace: Twenty quid?

Advertiser: Yeah, it's very rare.

Ace: Puh. I bet I could get an autograph from the group for cheaper.

Advertiser: If you go to one of their concerts.

Ace: Er, this is one of their concerts.

Advertiser: What? Ah crap, I thought this was a Rick Astley concert!

Doctor: Ace, come over here!

(Ace walks back to the line)

Ace: What is it?

Doctor: You can get in now.

Ace: Well, finally.


(Ace gets pushed over by some fans)

Ace: Oi! What do you think you’re doing?

Fans: Go U2! Go U2!

Ace: What?

(U2 enter)

U2 Member 1: Hello Springfield!

U2 Member 2: Urm, it’s not Springfield, it’s London.

U2 Member 1: Oh, right. Hello London!

Crowd: Hello U2!

U2 Member 2: Now, we’ve got a brand new song for you!

(Crowd cheers)

U2 Member 2: It’s a tribute to a favourite fan. She’s in the audience right now. And her name, yes, it’s a her, Dorothy Ace McShane!

Ace: What the hell?

Doctor: Ace?

U2 Member 2: And the song is called – Ace in Space.

Doctor: Ace in Space? How unoriginal!

(The band play the song)

Ace! She travels through time and space!

In the TARDIS, travelling on.

Running at a fast pace!

Meeting Hale and Pace!

Running through a race!

Meeting scary alien races,

In the TARDIS, travelling on.

The Doctor juggles, loses his hat,

The Master juggles, and is friends with cats.

The Cheetah cheats with the deadly cat.

Ace in space,

Running so mad,

Running so bad!

Running home, before she says D’oh!

Cheetahs on the Hill,

Increasing Midge’s phone bill!

Her name was Ace,

Tits in a trolley!

Breasts in a biscuit tin!

Sitting on the grass, finger up her ass, playing with her fanny, fanny, fanny!

Ace! Ace! Ace!

(Song ends, crowd cheers)

U2 Member 1: Thank you! Thank you! Give credit to Ace McShane and Olivia Riley!

Ace: How did they know about me?

Doctor: Timey wimey, wibbly wobbly.

Ace: I’m sorry?

Doctor: They must’ve met you in your future! But I don’t know WHO that Olivia Riley is.

U2 Member 1: And now, another song. A song from our best selling album War: Vertigo in Mexico City!

(Crowd cheers, band plays song. The Doctor coughs)

Ace: Doctor? Are you alright?

Doctor: Ace! I’m infected… with… the… Cheetah… Virus!

Ace: What?

Doctor: That scratch! It’s contaminated me! My body can’t help it, but It’s going to pass it on to the crowd!

Ace: I’m so sorry Professor! I’m really sorry! I can’t believe I got you into this!

Doctor: It’s alright Ace! But I’m going to-

(The virus erupts from his mouth and infects the crowd)

Crowd: Changing! I’m changing!

Infected Crowd: Vertigo in Mexico City. The Doctor and Ace must be infected! They must be like us!

Doctor: No! Oh no! I'm detecting something. There's an alien life force here.

Ace: Is it the Cheetahs?

Doctor: No, Ace. It's something far worse. It's from the planet Grithoth. It's a Graske! We've got to catch him!

Ace: But where is he?

Doctor: Over there! Come on! Alonsy!

Ace: What?

Doctor: Let’s go!

(They run)

There he is! We’ve got to catch him!

(They push over some Cheetah Zombies)

Get over here you little minx!

(They push over the Advertiser)

Advertiser: Oi you bent my Rick Astley picture! “Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna turn around, And desert you!”

(The Graske kills the Advertiser)

Doctor: There was no need for that! What are you doing here?

Graske: I’ve got to deliver this cure to my master!

Ace: What cure?

Graske: Cheetah virus cure! I’ve got to deliver it to my master, the Trickster!

Doctor: Why do you need it?

Graske: The whole swarm of Time Beetles is infected!

Doctor: But where did you get it?

Graske: From the planet Popcarna, in the Entertanic system!

Doctor: Popcarna! Of course! You mean in those caves?

Graske: Correct!

Doctor: But I need it now! The whole crowd is infected!

Graske: My master will kill me if I do not send it to him!

Doctor: But the whole crowd will be killed!

Graske: No. I must not betray my master! I have to go!

(He vanishes through time)

Doctor: No! He’s vanished through the vortex! How can we get him now?

Ace: What about the time ring?

Doctor: Oh yes Ace, I forgot.

(They activate the Time Ring)


(Ace and the Doctor land in an Asda supermarket)

Ace: So, where are we?

Doctor: Asda, the supermarket. The year is 2009, and the planet is in global recession. Thanks to those bloody banks. Prices are lowering after them skyrocketing, with most DVDs lowering from the high £20 RRP, to the nice £15 RRP.

Ace: What’s a DVD?

Doctor: I’ll tell you in 1995.

Ace: And what about videos?

Doctor: Nobody buys them anymore, apart from old people. You can get them from tourist places for between £2.50 and £14.99. And charity shops sell them for about 10p - £1.50.

(Ace examines the shelves)

Ace: Hold on, I think I can see the Graske there through the gap in the shelves.

Doctor: What shelf?

Ace: The Star Wars action figure one.

Doctor: Oh yes that one. We’ve got to catch him!

Ace: Hold on, I can destroy him with Nitro-9 and snatch the cure off him.

Doctor: Of course, Ace.

(She sets it up)

Ace: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, fi-

(It blows up)

Star Wars Collecter: Oi! You destroyed all the Star Wars action figures!

Doctor: But they only had about twelve Yarna D’al Gargans, two Ak-Revs, and a load of 30th Anniversary Darth Vaders!

Star Wars Collector: But they were a fiver each! I was gonna get all twelve of them!

Ace: Why would you get twelve of the same figure?

Star Wars Collector: Easy: 3 to keep carded, 3 to keep loose, 3 to customise, and 3 to send to sithlord229, commanderbacara198, and rasputin37.

Ace: What, you’d waste £60 on one figure?

Star Wars Collector: Yeah, I’m a collector. It’s not like I’d play with them. Unless you call dioramas playing.

Ace: Hold on, where’s that Graske?

Star Wars Collector: Hold on, you collect those crappy figures? Puh, 5 inch figures are lame. Especially since they are longer than the average pen-

Doctor: He must have vanished through the vortex! We’ve got to find him!

(They hear police sirens)

Doctor: Oh no, police!

(Sergeant Paterson enters)

Paterson: Right, where is the Doctor and Dorothy Ace McShane?

Star Wars Collector: There they are!

Paterson: Right, I’m arresting you on 10 accounts. 1. Shoplifting in 1989. 2. Assault of a Police Officer in 1989. 3. Resisting arrest in 1989. 4. Breaking out of jail in 1989. 5. Disrupting a Rick Astley concert in 1991. 6. Disrupting a U2 concert in 1991. 7. Damaging the EastEnders set in 1993. 8. Breaking the wall of China in 1993. 9. Blowing up a supermarket and 10. Using forged money. That’s at least 20 years in jail!

Ace (To the collector): You do know that you’re a collector bastard, don’t you?

Star Wars Collector: Yes, I am a lucky bastard.

(The Collector laughs and Ace is confused)

Star Wars Collector: Haven’t you heard of JediM4str on YouTube? LOL!

(Ace is still confused)

Star Wars Collector: Oh, never mind.

Paterson: Now, I’m putting handcuffs on you. Don’t escape this time!

Doctor (To Ace): Ace, the Time Ring.

Ace: Oh yeah.

(They vanish through the vortex)

Paterson: SHIT!

Old Lady: Oi! Don’t use that language here! Can’t you see those kids?

Little boy: Mummy, I like eating shit.

Mum: Don’t use that language, Jimmy.

(Peter walks down the toy aisle)

Peter: Oh, these figures are even crappier than before! Now they’ve got a huge pile of melted plastic in the the most wretched hive of cum and villainy. Oops, I mean scum.

Mum: Don’t use that language!

Peter: Why? Asda is a bad supermarket!

Mum: But Jim’s using bad language now!

Jimmy: I like eating cum, crap and shit. My mummy licks pussy cats.

Peter: Uh, I see.


Ace: So, where are we now?

Doctor: I don’t know. But the Graske is definitely here. This looks like it’s some sort of forest, judging by those trees.

Security Guard: Oi! Take your clothes off!

Doctor: What? Are you gay?

Security Guard: Well, yes. But this is a nudist camp! Didn’t you see that sign?

Doctor: No actually. But you see, we’ve got this dangerous being to catch. He could cause untold damage!

Security Guard: You don’t look like the police.

Doctor: We’re not, but…

Security Guard: I’d better call them then.

Doctor: No, you don’t understand. We need the Forge, UNIT or Torchwood! UNIT preferably.

Security Guard: Sorry, I haven’t heard of them. Are they an ironmongers?

Doctor: No, but-

Security Guard: What are your names?

Doctor: I’m the Doctor and this is Ace.

Security Guard: Right. Oh god the police say you’re criminals!

Doctor: Oops. We’d better run.

Security Guard: Wait!

(They vanish through the vortex)

Security Guard: SHIT!

Nude old man: Oi! Don’t use that language here! Can’t you see those kids?

Security Guard: Nudist kids? Oh god, I can’t bear the sight of a 12 year old boy with pubes and itchy scrotum! And all that fluff under their foreskin. Not to mention their acne covered arses.


Doctor: Here we are. Manchester, 1973.

Ace: You certain the Graske is here?

Doctor: Yes!

Ace: It looks more like Perivale to me.

Doctor: Perivale? This is definitely Manchester! And there he is! Let’s go!

Ace: You mean alonsy?

Doctor: Yes! Alonsy! Let’s go!

(They run after the Graske)

Doctor: After him!

(They push over an old ladies bag)

Old Lady: Oi! What are you doing you young whippersnappers?

Doctor: I’m sorry! But we’ve got to catch this person!

Old Lady: You punk kids! Oh why do I have to live in the suburbs?

(A Ford Cortina drives quickly an inch away from the old lady)

Old Lady: Whad’ya think you’re doing!

Doctor: Oh no! Police!

Old Lady: Get off the roads!

(The car pulls up by the Doctor, and GENE HUNT and SAM TYLER exit)

Sam Tyler: You’re nicked!

Doctor: Why?

Sam Tyler: Assaulting an old lady.

Doctor: Assaulting? Look, I’m chasing this deadly man!

Gene: I think you’ll find we do the chasing round here.

Doctor: Who are you anyway?

Gene: The coppers. You’re surrounded by armed bastards.

Doctor: No, what are your names?

Sam Tyler: My name is Sam Tyler.

Gene: And I’m Gene Hunt.

Doctor: No, that’s who you think you are! Who are you really?

Gene: I just said!

Doctor: You think you’re police officers, when, In actual fact, you are not! How did you get here?

Sam Tyler: I… was taken hostage by the Graske and sent back in time.

Doctor: Why were you sent back in time?

Sam Tyler: To… kill the Doctor.

Doctor: And what is your name?

Sam Tyler: I… am the Master.

Doctor: The Master! And, who’s the other one?

Gene: I’m bloody Gene Hunt!

Doctor: No you’re not! I can sense who you really are. You’re the Toymaker! The Celestial Toymaker!

Ace: But what does this have to do with the cure?

Doctor: It doesn’t. There is no cure. The Graske tricked us. He’s set us a trap. He’s sent these two enemies of mine back in time to try to get me to Griffoth!

Gene: You’re right, Doctor. You sussed his plan out quite well

(The Graske appears)

Graske: Yes, That’s right Doctor! Now, go to Griffoth with me or I’ll kill you both!

Doctor: No!

Graske: Right then, Ace shall die!

Doctor: No, I’ll go with you!

Graske: Good!

Doctor: But what about these two?

Graske: I’ll send them back to their home times.

Doctor: Good.

Graske: Now move with me!

(They vanish to Griffoth)


Doctor: What are you planning to do to me?

Graske: I’m going to make a changeling of you.

Doctor: Why?

Graske: To kill all the Trickster’s enemies!

Doctor: But why me?

Graske: He senses your great abilities.

Doctor: But I am his enemy!

Graske: No! It is Sarah Jane that is his enemy! Not you! I am your enemy!

Doctor: Then why didn’t you kill me?

Graske: I only follow the Trickster’s instructions! Now, get into the freezer tank!

Doctor: Look, you’re making a mistake!

Graske: Get in or I’ll shoot!

Doctor: You can shoot me as much as you want!

Graske: I mean your companion Ace!

Doctor: Alright, alright. I’ll get in! But can I have some last words?

Graske: Oh, alright.

Doctor: But in private.

Graske: Fine. As long as you don’t escape.

Doctor: I won’t!

Graske: Good. And no sex either!

Ace: Why would I fuck the Doctor?

Graske: That’s what I’m told humans do.

Ace: Not all the time!

Graske: Alright. I’ll leave you in peace.

Ace: So, what do you want to say?

Doctor: Well, there are these two buttons. Now, you have to let me get frozen, and then, flick the left one into reverse.

Ace: What’ll that do?

Doctor: It’ll send you, and the Changelings back where they came from. That’s why I need to get frozen.

Ace: Right.

Doctor: I’ll see you later, friend.

Graske: Ah, how touching. Now, get into the freeze chamber.

Doctor: Alright, I will.

(The Doctor freezes)

Ace: Doctor!

Graske: He shall be alright!

Ace: Oh yeah, well, see this!

(Ace pulls down the lever and the changelings teleport back)

Graske: Oi, look what you’ve done!

Ace: Goodbye!

(Ace vanishes)

Graske: No!


Doctor: Thank you Ace!

Ace: Yeah. So, how we stop those Cheetah zombies?

Doctor: Ah, well, It’s all to do with the plaster.

Ace: Hey?

Doctor: If that plaster hadn’t fallen off, I wouldn’t have become infected! So, we need to supply my earlier self with plasters.

Ace: But where are we going to find plasters?

Doctor: Boots. I’ll set the coordinates, and then I’ll treat you to some expensive Ribena. I just need to find my wallet…


Ace: Mmm… that Ribena is nice. I just can’t believe it cost a quid for such a small amount! It’s got even less than in a can of Diet Coke.

Doctor: Yes, but It’s the only supplier I could find in the whole of Perivale.

Ace: But, how are we going to get the plasters aboard your TARDIS?

Doctor: Well, if I land the TARDIS inside there, it’ll stack up infinitely like those egg boxes. So, I’ll need to teleport there. And Ace, give me my hat back.

Ace: Ok. There you go.

Doctor: Thanks. See you later.

(The Doctor teleports away)


(The Doctor teleports there and views the lounges from a corridor)

Doctor: Right, I’ve got to put these plasters somewhere, but I can’t be seen.


Ace: Professor, can you hear something?

Doctor: Like what?

Ace: Someone’s talking!

Doctor: Somebody must be aboard our ship! We’ve got to find him! Which direction is the talking from?

Ace: The corridor, I think.

Doctor: Let’s move.

(The get up)


Doctor: Oh no! My cover’s blown! Wait, where did Ace get those plasters from anyway? Oh yes, of course! In the kitchen! I’ve got to head there!

(He runs along)


Ace: I can’t hear it anymore. It must’ve been my imagination.

Doctor: What about those footsteps?

Ace: Your imagination.

Doctor: Right.

Ace: Would you like some tea Professor?

Doctor: Yes please.

Ace: There you go.

(Ace gives him the tea)

Ace: There you go.

Doctor: Thank you.

(He drinks some tea and spits it out and chokes and coughs)

Ace: Are you alright Professor?

Doctor: Yes. It just tastes really sour.

Ace: I didn't really have the right ingredients.

Doctor: Never mind.

(He feels his cheek)

Ow! That really hurt. I need a plaster.

Ace: Sure Professor. I'm sorry for going crazy like a Cheetah, Professor.

Doctor: It's alright Ace, it wasn't your fault.

Ace: Well, I'm still sorry for scratching you. I’ll get you a plaster from the kitchens.


Doctor: Oh no! She’s coming! Where is the kitchen anyway? I need the TARDIS map! Wait, it’s in my pocket. Oh yes, down there.

(The Doctor runs along and Ace hears the running)

Ace: I knew somebody was here! Who is it? Don’t say It’s Midge! You can talk to me, come on.


(The Doctor puts the plasters down)

Doctor: There! History is saved!

(Ace enters)

Ace: Doctor? What are you doing here?

Doctor: I’m from the future! I needed to supply you with plasters! If you didn’t have any, then I would become infected with the Cheetah Virus! There is no cure!

Ace: Right. I’d better give these to the Professor then.

Doctor: Yes, goodbye. I’d better get back to Ace! I bet she’s playing loads of music on her phone.

Ace: Phone? What pho-

(The Doctor vanishes)

Ace: [sigh]. Timey wimey, wibbly wobbly.